Lately I've been thinking a lot about shame. I think that its a gift that God has given me since I've let him into my life. Now more than ever do I look back at my life and cringe. I don't like to tell others much about my past unless its relevant and helpful to the discussion. I even blush at my own indiscretions, not to mention other things I blush at. Which is weird, because I at one time had a pretty foul mouth, but now anytime someone even insinuates vulgarity my cheeks turn crimson and I squeal like a school-girl. Oh, how ironic. Some people find it charming I guess, but back to the point. I think that this is God's gift to me, the ability to blush despite my past. Its like a new innocence.
On another note about shame.... I know that because of Jesus' death on the cross I've been forgiven for all my past sin, but that doesn't really help me forgive myself. It hurts when I think back to the things I've done in the past. I mean who doesn't have things in their past that they regret, but me... I look back and I'm like, "Who was that person?" and "What was wrong with me?" So if I can't forgive myself, how can I expect someone in my future to do so? Will I ever meet a good godly man who will understand that I was a different person then than I am now? Its not like I can go back and change the past, and I don't need to... it brought me to where I am. Thats the one good thing about it. But still the problem remains, its there... I know it is, and it sort of haunts me, that is when I allow it. I can only hope that one day my experiences will help keep someone from making the same mistakes.
Another thing about the gift of shame is, not only do I have these great big examples of what God has brought me from. But because of the shame, the ache in my heart, I know that I won't make the same mistakes again... it helps me to be a better person I think. At least I hope, all self-righteousness aside, I think I can be a better child of God having such strong examples of what not to do, and why I should follow Jesus. Again, I hope... I pray.
So Lord, thank you so much for granting me shame. Be it for better or worse, I'm glad that I'm able to feel shame for the things I've done, and not just shrug it off. It would be quite disturbing if I was just like, "Oh well Christ has forgiven me my sins, so I'm good now... its all erased... it never happened." It might be that way, but it would be wrong for me to think that way, at least I think so.
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