Prayer... its a wonderful thing.

So one night, recently, I was praying and I was praying specifically for a friend that I've prayed for over and over a dozen times at least. And a question popped into my head, as it often does. So my prayer got thrown off track, but thats okay, I don't have an agenda. The question was, "Why, if you know everything already, do I need to pray for things?" And its not that I don't want to pray, some amazing things have happened to me because I've talked them over with God. Its just that I was curious... and who better to ask than God.

Then, immediately idea's started popping into my head. First of all, God wants a relationship with us... and quite frankly sometimes all we ever talk to him about are things we want. Some of us, unfortunately, myself included sometimes I think, would never even think to talk to God if we didn't have something to "pray for." I think eventually that changes, and you stop praying to just pray for things, and start actually talking to God... but the praying for things sort of gets you started, it builds that relationship.

Secondly, its about knowing he's there. We know God is always at work, he's always got his hands on the world, making a different, changing the day. But if we never prayed for things, then how would we ever attribute the blessings in our lives to him. And not only that, but I think that prayer proves His existance. If you pray for something, and then it works out in the end... then you know it was for sure God. But if you don't pray for something, and it happens anyways, you might think it were chance (even though, that was God too.)

Then even more so, prayer teaches you to trust God. If you give your worries to him, he will take care of you.

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

It feels so good sometimes to have someone to talk to, someone you know cares about what you're saying, and wants you to let it out. Someone who listens unceasingly, who doesn't judge, someone who honestly wants to help you because they love you. This is a hard lesson to learn, its hard to get used to that kind of love and understanding, but I'm sure that once you can completely let go and talk to God like a bestfriend... more than a bestfriend even, then it will be an amazing and lifechanging experiance.

Lastly, you have a say in this world. He's given you the right as his child to give your input on the goings on in this world. Of course like any Father, he has to think about whats best for His children... but you have your say on things, and thats through prayer. He wants us to have good things, he wants us to be happy, so sometimes we have to just tell him what it is that we need. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about prosperity doctrine or anything like that, but God knows whats right... and if it isn't right, then he won't give it to you. He isn't a genie in a bottle.

Well there you go, thats what I think about prayer... thats what has been told to me, mostly through the Holy Spirit, but also a few tidbits thrown in after talking with some Godly council. Maybe prayer means something different to you, if so please let me know. I'd be very interested to hear.

Shame, Shame, Shame.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about shame. I think that its a gift that God has given me since I've let him into my life. Now more than ever do I look back at my life and cringe. I don't like to tell others much about my past unless its relevant and helpful to the discussion. I even blush at my own indiscretions, not to mention other things I blush at. Which is weird, because I at one time had a pretty foul mouth, but now anytime someone even insinuates vulgarity my cheeks turn crimson and I squeal like a school-girl. Oh, how ironic. Some people find it charming I guess, but back to the point. I think that this is God's gift to me, the ability to blush despite my past. Its like a new innocence.


On another note about shame.... I know that because of Jesus' death on the cross I've been forgiven for all my past sin, but that doesn't really help me forgive myself. It hurts when I think back to the things I've done in the past. I mean who doesn't have things in their past that they regret, but me... I look back and I'm like, "Who was that person?" and "What was wrong with me?" So if I can't forgive myself, how can I expect someone in my future to do so? Will I ever meet a good godly man who will understand that I was a different person then than I am now? Its not like I can go back and change the past, and I don't need to... it brought me to where I am. Thats the one good thing about it. But still the problem remains, its there... I know it is, and it sort of haunts me, that is when I allow it. I can only hope that one day my experiences will help keep someone from making the same mistakes.

Another thing about the gift of shame is, not only do I have these great big examples of what God has brought me from. But because of the shame, the ache in my heart, I know that I won't make the same mistakes again... it helps me to be a better person I think. At least I hope, all self-righteousness aside, I think I can be a better child of God having such strong examples of what not to do, and why I should follow Jesus. Again, I hope... I pray.

So Lord, thank you so much for granting me shame. Be it for better or worse, I'm glad that I'm able to feel shame for the things I've done, and not just shrug it off. It would be quite disturbing if I was just like, "Oh well Christ has forgiven me my sins, so I'm good now... its all erased... it never happened." It might be that way, but it would be wrong for me to think that way, at least I think so.

Moving to Tennesse and Mission Camp

So I just got back from a youth Mission Camp on Saturday. We stayed downtown at our campus there all week. I work with the Christ Fellowship Student Ministry, and I love it so much. It was so awesome to give these kids the opportunity to serve their community, usually when people think of mission trips they think of going to South Africa or some other far off county. But these kids got to work in their own backyard, and got to experience just how much their own community needs them. It was a wonderful experience.

It was also a pretty tough one for myself, since in just two more weeks I'll be leaving Miami. Its not that I really like Miami, I mean for my whole life I've been trying to get away from it.... and I've made a few mistakes in the process I might add. But there's something here now, now that I'm a Christian I can see how much this city needs good people, and how much is changing here because of those good people. My Church recently expanded into five campuses, which is amazing given that Miami is the second most unchurched city in the US.

For a long time I thought that God really wanted me to stay in Miami, I felt it in my heart, but sometimes when you want something so much you can convince yourself of anything. I was given an opportunity to serve at the church full-time in the student ministry and I just felt like that was God giving me the opportunity that I prayed for. So after a time of debate, and talking to some people about it, I decided to take the plunge and quit my job to go work at the church. I put in some notice but when my last day arrived something came over me, I became very anxious and wary. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to pay my bills, and that when my dad moved and I lived in my own apartment I would be lost, and so I prayed about it. I asked God to please give me a sign, that if this was truly His intention for my life then to let me know, because I was scared.

The next day I went into work at the church for my first day, and the first thing to happen was the Youth Pastor that I was to work with called me into his office. I knew what was happening, and he didn't wait to give me the news. When he told me that the church decided to not hire someone for that position, it was like a ton of bricks slammed into my chest. I nearly fell to the floor, I did lean back against the door and begin to sob. Afterward I felt so sorry for the Youth Pastor because he had to see me act that way, but I just couldn't help myself. God had just slammed shut that door. I think back now and just going over it here again makes me think that maybe I wasn't ready, maybe my prayer to God showed that I wasn't ready to trust Him to provide for me. I probably was moving too fast for my own good, and its probably smart that I don't make so many sacrifices so soon in my walk with Christ because when things go wrong I might fall off track. And I really don't want that.

So now I'll be leaving in two weeks, actually a bit less than two weeks now. The Mission Camp was my last "hurrah".... and it was great, but it was also very sad. I said my first goodbye, and it hurt. But the thing that I learned while I was at the camp is this, I can trust God....

The camp was tough for me, because I'm not in the best shape, I got sun burnt on the first day, and I was just miserable. Working in the sun after you're already sun burnt is horrible. But everyday before I got off the bus I prayed that God would help me get through the day, and everyday I got through it... the work was actually not that bad, and it was eclipsed by the joy I found in spending time with the kids. We had a blast! So I know when I go to Tennessee He will have something there for me, I just have to trust in Him. And this may be only a baby step compared to the trust I would have had to put in Him had I stayed in Miami, but maybe that's the real lesson.... to take baby steps. After all, He does know all things... and He knows what might have happened had I stayed in Miami and had my faith tested. I'm sure that my faith will be tested wherever I go... but maybe to a lesser degree, like a baby step.
And to my little lights, the 3D Disciples.... you are all so amazing, my life has been blessed simply for being a small part of yours. They said that kids couldn't do the work, and you showed them. They thought you couldn't make a change, and you rocked their world. I will miss you all so much, some of you I didn't know before this week, and some of you I didn't know enough... but now I'll never forget you. Remember you let your lights shine brightly, no matter how dark it may get... because there is always someone watching.